I added some more to Leal's section in ch5, since I wanted to show how important this meeting is, and set up some things for later. Sadly, I don't know how to fit in the answers to Jossi's question about how Fanelia perceives Hitomi. Upon further thought, I don't think it would be right for Leal to give the explanations, since he only just met Hitomi, and everything he sees between Van and Hitomi would only be observations and guesses.
It's been pretty fun to try to create different character voices, although I still have a long way to go to make them distinctive. I've been refining the voice for Leal. I think my previous post about "she was like a sunflower in the midst of a lavender field" is a strange remark for a military man in such a country as Fanelia, so now it's "a sunflower in the midst of a field of wheat". Now it's more possible. Maybe :P To totally immerse into sentence construction, word choice, different focus, and narrative style for character image has proved very difficult. I think that's why I love Flowers for Algernon so much.
As for Cim, I decided to make him stay true to humble arrogance, a shadow of Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice. I need to think up more misused adjectives for him.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Revisions
I tweak nearly everyday I write. It may be a word choice there, taking out an extraneous "the", or something else equally small. Sometimes I insert things for clarification or change sentences around. But almost always, it's addition, not subtraction. It's extremely difficult to delete something. After I write, it's like the words take on life and I can't bear to snuff it out. I know this is silly--words are just words if they have no power--but I didn't really think about this very hard until recently.
It's like The Lord of the Rings or The Mysteries of Udolpho--they are such great works of genius, but yet there are certain passages that move so slowly that sometimes I start to resent the wondrous landscapes for its trees and windblown moors.
And if critics complain about these works, wouldn't it be even worse for me to ignore these feelings?
In conjunction with this, I've been trying this week to reconcile the new and the old storylines. Some scenes will have no place, but I need to finish the join soon. Ch6's events depend on it.
Today's sentence:
The way she stood, the way her hand moved when she brushed hair out of her eyes, the way she seemed to look at everything to remember it for later—she was like a sunflower in the midst of a lavender field.
It's like The Lord of the Rings or The Mysteries of Udolpho--they are such great works of genius, but yet there are certain passages that move so slowly that sometimes I start to resent the wondrous landscapes for its trees and windblown moors.
And if critics complain about these works, wouldn't it be even worse for me to ignore these feelings?
In conjunction with this, I've been trying this week to reconcile the new and the old storylines. Some scenes will have no place, but I need to finish the join soon. Ch6's events depend on it.
Today's sentence:
The way she stood, the way her hand moved when she brushed hair out of her eyes, the way she seemed to look at everything to remember it for later—she was like a sunflower in the midst of a lavender field.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Missing Things
I wonder if Gaea's horses look funny because they're supposed to be wild horses? It'd certainly make for an interesting fact as Hitomi carry on with Melidoul's care.
Finished with ch5, letting it sit for now. There's actually lots of dialogue--relatively.
From a long talk with Sapphirefly yesterday, we identified some key things DS is missing: faster pacing, shorter sentences, more satisfying romance, dialogue, action, deeper sense of mystery.
Although it is still early to say "definitely this is it!", it seems ch3 confused and turned off some people, because reads for ch4 are only half of previous chs' views. I think the main problem was how long it took me to set up the romance situation exactly right, and the first few chapters were very indulgent on character self-reflections, which shouldn't belong in the typical rapid pace of the beginning. Starting from ch5, we start into the real plot, and that should help the feeling of pacing.
Ah well, we'll see. DS is really an experiment and an experience for me. It's too hard to expect the principles of craft and talent at this stage. I can only say, yes, I'll try that.
Yesterday I used some bad adjectives and multiple negatives in ch5 for effect. It's always a risk, though, to take such a course. I wonder if the trade-off is worth it, or if it wouldn't be noticeable to readers beyond the feeling of storytelling degeneration. But anyway, here's one I quite enjoyed:
Belian snorted. "Goau turned out just fine. And a man who never remarried is hardly less guilty than me."
Finished with ch5, letting it sit for now. There's actually lots of dialogue--relatively.
From a long talk with Sapphirefly yesterday, we identified some key things DS is missing: faster pacing, shorter sentences, more satisfying romance, dialogue, action, deeper sense of mystery.
Although it is still early to say "definitely this is it!", it seems ch3 confused and turned off some people, because reads for ch4 are only half of previous chs' views. I think the main problem was how long it took me to set up the romance situation exactly right, and the first few chapters were very indulgent on character self-reflections, which shouldn't belong in the typical rapid pace of the beginning. Starting from ch5, we start into the real plot, and that should help the feeling of pacing.
Ah well, we'll see. DS is really an experiment and an experience for me. It's too hard to expect the principles of craft and talent at this stage. I can only say, yes, I'll try that.
Yesterday I used some bad adjectives and multiple negatives in ch5 for effect. It's always a risk, though, to take such a course. I wonder if the trade-off is worth it, or if it wouldn't be noticeable to readers beyond the feeling of storytelling degeneration. But anyway, here's one I quite enjoyed:
Belian snorted. "Goau turned out just fine. And a man who never remarried is hardly less guilty than me."
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Progress Update 7
The diplomat scene ended up all right, to my relief. I don't think Van speaks formally as "we", but I'll need to rewatch some scenes to make sure.
Now just two more little scenes, and I'll be done with the first draft of ch5. Whew! A lot happens in this chapter. My chapters keep getting longer and longer ._, It's already almost as long as ch4... But I guess the important thing isn't really how long it is, but what happens within the chapter, and that was a failure of ch3, despite how much I liked it.
So far Cim seems too much like a stereotype. I must not have enough background on him beyond the role he's supposed to play. I'm also introducing the characater of Leal, the chief vassal, and Belian, the master recordkeeper, in more detail. I want to make them seem like old men and Van's surrogate fathers at the same time, but I fear sometimes I step into the territory of the nagging mother ; ; I'll have to finish the ch and get Chocolatelova and Pennylain to look at it, I guess.
Today's sentence is dialogue:
Belian’s blue eyes twinkled. "Oh, I don't think he'd be so stubborn as to not see its advantages."
Now just two more little scenes, and I'll be done with the first draft of ch5. Whew! A lot happens in this chapter. My chapters keep getting longer and longer ._, It's already almost as long as ch4... But I guess the important thing isn't really how long it is, but what happens within the chapter, and that was a failure of ch3, despite how much I liked it.
So far Cim seems too much like a stereotype. I must not have enough background on him beyond the role he's supposed to play. I'm also introducing the characater of Leal, the chief vassal, and Belian, the master recordkeeper, in more detail. I want to make them seem like old men and Van's surrogate fathers at the same time, but I fear sometimes I step into the territory of the nagging mother ; ; I'll have to finish the ch and get Chocolatelova and Pennylain to look at it, I guess.
Today's sentence is dialogue:
Belian’s blue eyes twinkled. "Oh, I don't think he'd be so stubborn as to not see its advantages."
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Thoughts After
All right, I've calmed down ;X My last post was quite emotional and self-righteous, but after some talks with Sapphirefly and thinking about what I had tried to avoid seeing, I have only myself to blame for my thoughts. But it's better to find out the reasons why I was frustrated, and it's absolutely fantastic to have some readers who understand what I'm trying to do with DS. I will work harder to make things clearer for the rest, but won't compromise the content.
In the second part of ch5, Van and his chief vassals meet the diplomat from Basram, and the scene is supposed to have a particular nuance, each person with deeper thoughts than he'd reveal in speech. But it's so hard to write Van as I imagined he'd be. And it's so intimidating, because when I'm writing the scene, I imagine Van standing at my shoulder and rolling his eyes at all the stupid things in his dialogue >_< Maybe I'll skip that part for now, and finish the ending first.
Yesterday's sentence:
Sometimes Leal felt his well-intended comments were more like nagging from a surrogate father instead of light recommendations from a subject, and he often thought of Balgus and how he had managed to raise this boy-king.
In the second part of ch5, Van and his chief vassals meet the diplomat from Basram, and the scene is supposed to have a particular nuance, each person with deeper thoughts than he'd reveal in speech. But it's so hard to write Van as I imagined he'd be. And it's so intimidating, because when I'm writing the scene, I imagine Van standing at my shoulder and rolling his eyes at all the stupid things in his dialogue >_< Maybe I'll skip that part for now, and finish the ending first.
Yesterday's sentence:
Sometimes Leal felt his well-intended comments were more like nagging from a surrogate father instead of light recommendations from a subject, and he often thought of Balgus and how he had managed to raise this boy-king.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Frustration
I'm a little frustrated, and I know it's entirely all my fault. It's so boring to hear whining, but since this is a blog about my experience with DS, I should probably include everything, even the boring and less glamorous parts.
My more intimate friends know I'm an absolute nut when it comes to my obsessions. If I read a really good book or watch a good anime series, I would buried in my own world, getting up only for sustenance and bathroom breaks, and avoid bedtime as long as I could manage (I read The Lord of the Rings in 3 days, and watched Escaflowne in one sitting several times. They're not achievements I'm proud of!--but here for illustration ._.).
Yes, I'm very strange. In other things I'm really very laid back, so please don't think I'm certifiably insane or step on little animals (only the tiny ones).
Naturally, this obsessive behavior comes through in my feelings about Escaflowne, and my feelings about what I'm trying to do with Deeper than the Sky. I know I'm a total snob on several points, but we should all have standards and goals, eh?
1. Prose. I try not to delude myself with grandiose thoughts of literature, but I wanted to achieve a different kind of fanfiction writing. I want to test myself to see how far I can go.
2. Adherence to Escaflowne. I've spent a lot of time making screenshots of every little thing in each ep, so when I write about the audience chamber, I pull that picture up, and think about what else is in the room. I've made timelines and charts from info in Escaflowne Compendium, and thought a great deal about details. And I've done this because I everything to be as if we're there. I want to make sure I've totally understood the characters. Still a struggle everyday.
3. Relationships. So far, DS is planned for 21 chapters (I have some scattered notes I haven't incorported into my main notes, so it might change). I want to see V+H together in a satisfying, believable manner. No falling into each other's arms after long separation. No rushing into kissing. No rushing into marriage. Because most relationships take a long time to grow, and takes more work to foster. "Deeper than the sky" goes through several meanings in the story, and that's why it will take me 21 chapters to get there.
And I think this is why I'm frustrated. I want to achieve these three points, and yet I feel most readers care very little about them. I could end their courting in two chapers, but then where's the enjoyment? Where's the desire for subtlety? Where's the satisfaction of a happy ending if there weren't any conflicts in the process? Shouldn't it matter to have complex characters on top of romance?
Maybe I'm just tired.
My more intimate friends know I'm an absolute nut when it comes to my obsessions. If I read a really good book or watch a good anime series, I would buried in my own world, getting up only for sustenance and bathroom breaks, and avoid bedtime as long as I could manage (I read The Lord of the Rings in 3 days, and watched Escaflowne in one sitting several times. They're not achievements I'm proud of!--but here for illustration ._.).
Yes, I'm very strange. In other things I'm really very laid back, so please don't think I'm certifiably insane or step on little animals (only the tiny ones).
Naturally, this obsessive behavior comes through in my feelings about Escaflowne, and my feelings about what I'm trying to do with Deeper than the Sky. I know I'm a total snob on several points, but we should all have standards and goals, eh?
1. Prose. I try not to delude myself with grandiose thoughts of literature, but I wanted to achieve a different kind of fanfiction writing. I want to test myself to see how far I can go.
2. Adherence to Escaflowne. I've spent a lot of time making screenshots of every little thing in each ep, so when I write about the audience chamber, I pull that picture up, and think about what else is in the room. I've made timelines and charts from info in Escaflowne Compendium, and thought a great deal about details. And I've done this because I everything to be as if we're there. I want to make sure I've totally understood the characters. Still a struggle everyday.
3. Relationships. So far, DS is planned for 21 chapters (I have some scattered notes I haven't incorported into my main notes, so it might change). I want to see V+H together in a satisfying, believable manner. No falling into each other's arms after long separation. No rushing into kissing. No rushing into marriage. Because most relationships take a long time to grow, and takes more work to foster. "Deeper than the sky" goes through several meanings in the story, and that's why it will take me 21 chapters to get there.
And I think this is why I'm frustrated. I want to achieve these three points, and yet I feel most readers care very little about them. I could end their courting in two chapers, but then where's the enjoyment? Where's the desire for subtlety? Where's the satisfaction of a happy ending if there weren't any conflicts in the process? Shouldn't it matter to have complex characters on top of romance?
Maybe I'm just tired.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Hitomi's Reception
I love wikipedia and Google searches, but I hope what I've done with Melidoul's exam is all right. I don't have a vet friend to consult ;x
Jossi's comments on the blog and on her review for DS made me think that I had failed to represent how Fanelia sees Hitomi now, and that I need more info on Van's side of things. Hmm, it would fit rather well into Leal's section in ch5, so thanks, Jossi <3
I already covered Van's section yesterday, so let's talk about Hitomi's reception in Fanelia.
Beside the now-trite reason of 10 years, I feel Hitomi's and Van's actions on the Fate Alternation Machine is known only to their group of friends. There would be rumors, of course, especially about the green light and Van's flight to Zaibach interpreted as a flying white dragon. But most people, even in Zaibach, shouldn't know at about the machine or about Dornkirk's true identity. Basram's energist bomb and Van's fight in Escaflowne would make much more impression on the general population more than anything else, because all people really care is their old lives back.
Fanelia's people were exiled from the capital, but the surrounding countryside and countries like Asturia should have sheltered them. Zaibach borders are a long way from Fanelia, and from what Millerna said about visiting Fanelia when Folken was still there, people in Gaea probably don't typically travel much beyond their country's borders. Thus, everything Fanelia heard about the Gaea War would be secondhand, and distant and distorted rumors, at that.
Most people in Fanelia probably didn't even know what Hitomi looked like. Van's coronation must have been soon after his return, and when the war was over, she didn't seem to stay very long.
Today's sentence is from slim pickings ; ; Ch5 has a lot of potential spoilers.
Nothing could summarize the ruthless destruction of the Gaea War better than Basram’s energist bomb, and although it curtailed Zaibach’s large armies and led to the triumph of the Alliance, its moral and political implications still threatened to topple the society and men that had created it.
Jossi's comments on the blog and on her review for DS made me think that I had failed to represent how Fanelia sees Hitomi now, and that I need more info on Van's side of things. Hmm, it would fit rather well into Leal's section in ch5, so thanks, Jossi <3
I already covered Van's section yesterday, so let's talk about Hitomi's reception in Fanelia.
Beside the now-trite reason of 10 years, I feel Hitomi's and Van's actions on the Fate Alternation Machine is known only to their group of friends. There would be rumors, of course, especially about the green light and Van's flight to Zaibach interpreted as a flying white dragon. But most people, even in Zaibach, shouldn't know at about the machine or about Dornkirk's true identity. Basram's energist bomb and Van's fight in Escaflowne would make much more impression on the general population more than anything else, because all people really care is their old lives back.
Fanelia's people were exiled from the capital, but the surrounding countryside and countries like Asturia should have sheltered them. Zaibach borders are a long way from Fanelia, and from what Millerna said about visiting Fanelia when Folken was still there, people in Gaea probably don't typically travel much beyond their country's borders. Thus, everything Fanelia heard about the Gaea War would be secondhand, and distant and distorted rumors, at that.
Most people in Fanelia probably didn't even know what Hitomi looked like. Van's coronation must have been soon after his return, and when the war was over, she didn't seem to stay very long.
Today's sentence is from slim pickings ; ; Ch5 has a lot of potential spoilers.
Nothing could summarize the ruthless destruction of the Gaea War better than Basram’s energist bomb, and although it curtailed Zaibach’s large armies and led to the triumph of the Alliance, its moral and political implications still threatened to topple the society and men that had created it.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Marriage
Still haven't made decisions on ch4 (I'm so bad), but I've decided to save the little encounter between Van and Hitomi for a later ch. It just doesn't make sense for Van to ask those questions so soon (not that question :P), and I'm impatient to start the real story arc beyond the romance set-up. I'm now doing research for the second part of ch5, and wondering if I've put myself in over my head with Melidoul's exam and diagnosis.
But today I was thinking about the first part of ch5 again, and I realized it's time I answer why Van is still unmarried (beyond the fact that I'd totally hate him forever if he didn't marry Hitomi). Some rambling as I try to reach my response:
I've set the "coming of age" for Fanelia at 15, since that's when Folken and Van did the rite of dragonslaying for their coronation, and also the age that pre-Meiji Japan considered the transition to adulthood. But Goau didn't marry until 30. I can't decide if his marriage was horribly irregular beyond Varie's race.
I've also made up some Fanelian laws based on my idea of an agricultural and militaristic society, extrapolated from my knowledge of old Chinese and Japanese culture, to make a highly patriarchal society with stratified status. A woman's life is dictated by men her whole life--her father when she is young, her husband after marriage, and her sons after her husband dies. Not really to that extent, but enough emphasis on the male order that women play typical roles of wife and mother, and accept men's decision should theirs conflict. This culture is necessary to highlight how unusual Van is, and probably sounds horrible for ff readers, but really, it's fairly typical in an old-fashioned family in Taiwan and Japan even now.
And why hasn't Van married yet? It couldn't be his duty--his duty dictates marriage. If he hadn't a chance to meet a suitable wife, he must have options. He could be like Europe, and send emissionaries to other countries. Or be like China, and send agents to comb Fanelia to bring the most beautiful and talented girls back to pick among them.
Beyond marriage, there's also an ugly question: as long as there is undisputed rule that would keep the country together, who cares if the heir is a bastard?
Of course, Van is really a romantic at heart. He must know he has those options, but decide not to take them. But why shouldn't he? They were young, and their relationship really hasn't progressed beyond the initial "I now understand I like you" phase. The word "love" is even too strong to describe their past relationship (damn you, translators, "tsuki desu" != "aishiteru"). That was the whole point of how I chose how V+H met again. It'd be totally unrealistic to have them fall into each other's arms.
Maybe the easiest way is the most possible way--he just doesn't think about it, until he meets the girl, and then it happens.
But today I was thinking about the first part of ch5 again, and I realized it's time I answer why Van is still unmarried (beyond the fact that I'd totally hate him forever if he didn't marry Hitomi). Some rambling as I try to reach my response:
I've set the "coming of age" for Fanelia at 15, since that's when Folken and Van did the rite of dragonslaying for their coronation, and also the age that pre-Meiji Japan considered the transition to adulthood. But Goau didn't marry until 30. I can't decide if his marriage was horribly irregular beyond Varie's race.
I've also made up some Fanelian laws based on my idea of an agricultural and militaristic society, extrapolated from my knowledge of old Chinese and Japanese culture, to make a highly patriarchal society with stratified status. A woman's life is dictated by men her whole life--her father when she is young, her husband after marriage, and her sons after her husband dies. Not really to that extent, but enough emphasis on the male order that women play typical roles of wife and mother, and accept men's decision should theirs conflict. This culture is necessary to highlight how unusual Van is, and probably sounds horrible for ff readers, but really, it's fairly typical in an old-fashioned family in Taiwan and Japan even now.
And why hasn't Van married yet? It couldn't be his duty--his duty dictates marriage. If he hadn't a chance to meet a suitable wife, he must have options. He could be like Europe, and send emissionaries to other countries. Or be like China, and send agents to comb Fanelia to bring the most beautiful and talented girls back to pick among them.
Beyond marriage, there's also an ugly question: as long as there is undisputed rule that would keep the country together, who cares if the heir is a bastard?
Of course, Van is really a romantic at heart. He must know he has those options, but decide not to take them. But why shouldn't he? They were young, and their relationship really hasn't progressed beyond the initial "I now understand I like you" phase. The word "love" is even too strong to describe their past relationship (damn you, translators, "tsuki desu" != "aishiteru"). That was the whole point of how I chose how V+H met again. It'd be totally unrealistic to have them fall into each other's arms.
Maybe the easiest way is the most possible way--he just doesn't think about it, until he meets the girl, and then it happens.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Progress Update 6
I'm done with first part of ch5, but stuck on the rest because I'm wavering between V's or H's point of view for the second scene. I'll most likely choose Hitomi. After events in ch4, it'd be more interesting to see how she responds to Van and everyone else. V's POV seems to come more naturally when he's alone. I'm not sure if that's because of his character's tendency to hide thoughts until it needs to be said, or if it's much harder for me to understand his mind when he's interacting with others?
This time I dragged another online friend into reviewing ch4 for me ;3 Thanks, Chocolatelova and Pennylain!
I'm trying to finish final edits on the ch so I can post soon, but I have to make two decisions:
1. The ceremony for Day of Planting is during sunset, because I wanted to set its festival and the ch ending at night. But since the festival is constructed from rice farming schedule, it seems strange in hindsight to build it around sunset, instead of sunrise or midday. In VOE, both Van's coronation and Millerna's wedding were during the day, perhaps early afternoon?
2. Van tells a story about the beginning of Fanelia, and the mood becomes close to a history lesson that I make Merle interrupt with a little joke. Chocolatelova points out that Merle is sassy but probably wouldn't make such a statement on a reverent subject. Maybe it's the storytelling style I gave Van that seems so rigid.
Yesterday's sentence:
The men sang softly now, their timbre like whispers of wind and spoke of echoes in the earth.
This time I dragged another online friend into reviewing ch4 for me ;3 Thanks, Chocolatelova and Pennylain!
I'm trying to finish final edits on the ch so I can post soon, but I have to make two decisions:
1. The ceremony for Day of Planting is during sunset, because I wanted to set its festival and the ch ending at night. But since the festival is constructed from rice farming schedule, it seems strange in hindsight to build it around sunset, instead of sunrise or midday. In VOE, both Van's coronation and Millerna's wedding were during the day, perhaps early afternoon?
2. Van tells a story about the beginning of Fanelia, and the mood becomes close to a history lesson that I make Merle interrupt with a little joke. Chocolatelova points out that Merle is sassy but probably wouldn't make such a statement on a reverent subject. Maybe it's the storytelling style I gave Van that seems so rigid.
Yesterday's sentence:
The men sang softly now, their timbre like whispers of wind and spoke of echoes in the earth.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Backwards
I couldn't think of a good way to start the middle of ch4, so instead, I wrote the last 2 paragraphs, then did 4 paragraphs before that, then 4 paragraphs before that, and pretty soon I had written my way to the middle. That was a serendipitous try.
Going to let ch4 sit for a while and wait for Chocolatelova's comments this weekend. Today I was pretty good about sitting in front of my computer writing instead of goofing off, so I have almost Van's part in ch5 complete.
Today's sentence:
It had a simple cut, slightly austere with its standing collar, but the golden embroidery at cuffs and throat was heightened by the dark wool, and a jeweled brass crest of a flying dragon on a field of crimson was pinned to its left breast.
It's way overdue for another Van picture. I think this is from ep17:
Going to let ch4 sit for a while and wait for Chocolatelova's comments this weekend. Today I was pretty good about sitting in front of my computer writing instead of goofing off, so I have almost Van's part in ch5 complete.
Today's sentence:
It had a simple cut, slightly austere with its standing collar, but the golden embroidery at cuffs and throat was heightened by the dark wool, and a jeweled brass crest of a flying dragon on a field of crimson was pinned to its left breast.
It's way overdue for another Van picture. I think this is from ep17:
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Feedback on The Gourmand
1) Today was my workshop day in class, and my hands only stopped shaking when everything was done. I'm not sure why I was so nervous--fear of what I might hear, perhaps. They liked the story and it made them very hungry, and I was really happy to hear that. They wanted more interaction between the narrator and Elise, and more background relationship between them, and more conflict between food and love, because the story now seems more like an anecdote instead of a story with complex layers and character conflict.
I was only frustrated at some people's edits, because when I change sound and rhythm by editing out "the"s and other words, I get protective of sentence structures and words. "Hideously large truck" has a purpose, different from "large" or "huge" or "a monstrosity of a truck". But then, I wonder if other people also feel the same when I edit their sentences?
It's so sad, though, to see English majors commit the same spelling and grammar mistakes as others, and other writing issues like the avoidance of commas. Are commas really that scary?
2) Back to DS. I'm now done with the first part of ch4, but unsure how I'd like to do the second part. I have the whole legend of Zoah, but I don't yet know what's the best way to present it. I want to leave some bits out, so that Hitomi can find the missing pieces later, and also give Van selective storytelling, as if he's hesistant to tell all or he wants to skirt certain topics.
3) Sapphirefly said my sentence drags and would be more effective if it's shorter. She's so right, and the new shorter sentences bring each period into prominence:
“On this day, Year of the Crystal East, White, 20th Moon, we hereby ask your blessing on this Day of Planting. May our fields be laden with gold from your gift of rain and our storehouses be filled from your body earth. May our young grow up strong in your image and our old lay to rest in your peace. May our king lead our beloved Fanelia to prosperity with your voice and deliver justice with your wisdom. This we ask, on this Day of Planting.”
I was only frustrated at some people's edits, because when I change sound and rhythm by editing out "the"s and other words, I get protective of sentence structures and words. "Hideously large truck" has a purpose, different from "large" or "huge" or "a monstrosity of a truck". But then, I wonder if other people also feel the same when I edit their sentences?
It's so sad, though, to see English majors commit the same spelling and grammar mistakes as others, and other writing issues like the avoidance of commas. Are commas really that scary?
2) Back to DS. I'm now done with the first part of ch4, but unsure how I'd like to do the second part. I have the whole legend of Zoah, but I don't yet know what's the best way to present it. I want to leave some bits out, so that Hitomi can find the missing pieces later, and also give Van selective storytelling, as if he's hesistant to tell all or he wants to skirt certain topics.
3) Sapphirefly said my sentence drags and would be more effective if it's shorter. She's so right, and the new shorter sentences bring each period into prominence:
“On this day, Year of the Crystal East, White, 20th Moon, we hereby ask your blessing on this Day of Planting. May our fields be laden with gold from your gift of rain and our storehouses be filled from your body earth. May our young grow up strong in your image and our old lay to rest in your peace. May our king lead our beloved Fanelia to prosperity with your voice and deliver justice with your wisdom. This we ask, on this Day of Planting.”
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Day of Planting
Ch4 takes place on the Day of Planting, a festival in April time, and yesterday I was writing the ceremony from weeks worth of notes. But I actually haven't written the actual dedication beforehand, and as I wrote more and more about the scene, I find myself grasping in memory for Bible imagery and sentence structure.
And this is what I came up with so far:
"On this day, Year of the Crystal East, White, 20th Moon, we hereby ask your blessing on this Day of Planting, that our fields may be laden with gold from your gift of rain and our storehouses be filled from your body earth, that our young grow up strong in your image and our old lay to rest in your peace, that our king lead our beloved Fanelia to prosperity with your voice and deliver justice with your wisdom. This we ask, on this Day of Planting."
I omitted the usage of thee, thou, thine, because I suck at it, and Bible prose is really more than just using those vocabulary. Still needs more work, though, to even come close to calling my sentence modeled after its prose.
And this is what I came up with so far:
"On this day, Year of the Crystal East, White, 20th Moon, we hereby ask your blessing on this Day of Planting, that our fields may be laden with gold from your gift of rain and our storehouses be filled from your body earth, that our young grow up strong in your image and our old lay to rest in your peace, that our king lead our beloved Fanelia to prosperity with your voice and deliver justice with your wisdom. This we ask, on this Day of Planting."
I omitted the usage of thee, thou, thine, because I suck at it, and Bible prose is really more than just using those vocabulary. Still needs more work, though, to even come close to calling my sentence modeled after its prose.
Monday, September 11, 2006
The Gourmand in Love
1) Because I've been bad at posting, today I'll give two sentences:
His lacquered armor with its Fanelian crest at the chest shimmered with the sheen of past campaigns and long years of service.
Wood smoke and food aromas were layered on top of the smell of people, the smell of excitement.
I'm halfway done with the first part of ch4. I write slow and really need to devote more time to writing.
2) I wrote a light short story for my class this past week:
The Gourmand in Love
I was fighting to drive my way home in the late summer torrent when another wave of longing came upon me. Only two miles left to go. I think I just spoke out loud. Hunger had befuddled me. I vowed never to be on an empty stomach again.
Earlier this morning, my fiancée had hinted at the possibility of roast duck and potato gratin for our anniversary night, and so I proportioned my intake all day in anticipation for the feast, to prepare for the hot and crispy goodness waiting in the oven. Alas, I had miscalculated. The feeling of hunger upon my body and soul only lengthened and strengthened as the afternoon ticked by, and I began to think more and more about the comforting food I had eaten in my grandma’s kitchen, the best tomato and basil soup I had ever tasted, the marvelous multi-course crab dinner in Hokkaido, the perfect ripe Camembert.
The best sushi I ever had was at Tsukiji, the world’s largest fish market. I had taken an early train, intending to observe fish traders taste and bid (with store names in large yellow letters on their baseball caps) on bluefin tunas, but when I got there, the few scattered fishermen wholesalers were bundling up their remaining fish into crates and tubs for warehouse stalls. Only the public open market was left, and I looked on the 450 varieties of fish and seafood (there were stalls dedicated to seaweed and tofu in their different manifestations, too, and the occasional vegetable and meat stands) with disappointment until I spotted a sushi shop. In truth, there are many sushi stores and other restaurants in the alleyways of the market, but at that particular moment, jostled by housewives and grandmothers shopping for their evening meal, lured by shouts from the honest proprietor of every stand that his had the best fish and the day’s specials, and fish everywhere I look, this small shop seemed like a rock in the midst of an angry sea.
The chef owner behind the balsa wood counter was engaged in a conversation with two fishermen on the day’s prices, but shouted at me to please sit down and have a cup of tea. I glanced at the board behind him and ordered the chef special, then squeezed myself into a rickety stool between a couple of salarymen, one in a charcoal suit, one in navy. We started with a tsukemono of octopus, pickled wakame seaweed, sliced okra, and sesame seeds, and then as he finished each pair of nigiri, he placed them bare on the counter—no middleman tray to interfere with the simple, straightforward transaction between chef and customer. The selection was fresh and at its peak, and the succession was each distinct from the last: tuna, escolar, sea bass, scallop, eel, shrimp, salmon roe, yellowtail, and fatty tuna. The glory of them was escolar—not as sweet as the scallop, not as rich as the o-toro, not as overwhelming as the ikari, but delicate, with a translucent pure taste of the sea.
I had walked out of the restaurant and returned to my hotel room in a daze, and although we must have spent the rest of the day touring temples, I retained no memory but the photographs we developed a month later in the States. The escolar had been perfect, and now I recognize that the perfection went beyond the fresh fish—it was the skill of the chef, each rice grain infused with the aroma of mirin, sugar, and rice vinegar, and lightly molded into the underside of the fish so that the rice held together when I picked it up in my clumsy hands but separated in my mouth to mingle with the taste of fish and wasabi.
My usual parking spot was taken by a hideously large truck, and I was forced to park farther than I cared to dash from the car to the apartment awning. My jacket was soaked through and my hair matted into a dark mess, but I propelled myself towards the apartment, slightly dizzy with hunger. I jingled my keys excitedly as I opened the door, prepared to be immersed into warmth and the delicious smell of duck.
The whole apartment was full of the smell of burnt duck, and a haze of smoke stung my eyes. Elise looked up from the disaster she held in her mittened hands, full of tears and ready to cry again. I hugged her and led her to the dinner table, tipped the duck into the trash bag where it landed with a muted thump, and cracked open the window. I brought out white china and opened a bottle of pinot noir.
She laughed when I brought out our dinner: a platter of Oreo cookies. They’re perfect circles, the cool creamy center sandwiched by dry dark crumbs, and the perfect food for listening to the patter of rain at the window and toasting our good fortune in finding each other.
His lacquered armor with its Fanelian crest at the chest shimmered with the sheen of past campaigns and long years of service.
Wood smoke and food aromas were layered on top of the smell of people, the smell of excitement.
I'm halfway done with the first part of ch4. I write slow and really need to devote more time to writing.
2) I wrote a light short story for my class this past week:
The Gourmand in Love
I was fighting to drive my way home in the late summer torrent when another wave of longing came upon me. Only two miles left to go. I think I just spoke out loud. Hunger had befuddled me. I vowed never to be on an empty stomach again.
Earlier this morning, my fiancée had hinted at the possibility of roast duck and potato gratin for our anniversary night, and so I proportioned my intake all day in anticipation for the feast, to prepare for the hot and crispy goodness waiting in the oven. Alas, I had miscalculated. The feeling of hunger upon my body and soul only lengthened and strengthened as the afternoon ticked by, and I began to think more and more about the comforting food I had eaten in my grandma’s kitchen, the best tomato and basil soup I had ever tasted, the marvelous multi-course crab dinner in Hokkaido, the perfect ripe Camembert.
The best sushi I ever had was at Tsukiji, the world’s largest fish market. I had taken an early train, intending to observe fish traders taste and bid (with store names in large yellow letters on their baseball caps) on bluefin tunas, but when I got there, the few scattered fishermen wholesalers were bundling up their remaining fish into crates and tubs for warehouse stalls. Only the public open market was left, and I looked on the 450 varieties of fish and seafood (there were stalls dedicated to seaweed and tofu in their different manifestations, too, and the occasional vegetable and meat stands) with disappointment until I spotted a sushi shop. In truth, there are many sushi stores and other restaurants in the alleyways of the market, but at that particular moment, jostled by housewives and grandmothers shopping for their evening meal, lured by shouts from the honest proprietor of every stand that his had the best fish and the day’s specials, and fish everywhere I look, this small shop seemed like a rock in the midst of an angry sea.
The chef owner behind the balsa wood counter was engaged in a conversation with two fishermen on the day’s prices, but shouted at me to please sit down and have a cup of tea. I glanced at the board behind him and ordered the chef special, then squeezed myself into a rickety stool between a couple of salarymen, one in a charcoal suit, one in navy. We started with a tsukemono of octopus, pickled wakame seaweed, sliced okra, and sesame seeds, and then as he finished each pair of nigiri, he placed them bare on the counter—no middleman tray to interfere with the simple, straightforward transaction between chef and customer. The selection was fresh and at its peak, and the succession was each distinct from the last: tuna, escolar, sea bass, scallop, eel, shrimp, salmon roe, yellowtail, and fatty tuna. The glory of them was escolar—not as sweet as the scallop, not as rich as the o-toro, not as overwhelming as the ikari, but delicate, with a translucent pure taste of the sea.
I had walked out of the restaurant and returned to my hotel room in a daze, and although we must have spent the rest of the day touring temples, I retained no memory but the photographs we developed a month later in the States. The escolar had been perfect, and now I recognize that the perfection went beyond the fresh fish—it was the skill of the chef, each rice grain infused with the aroma of mirin, sugar, and rice vinegar, and lightly molded into the underside of the fish so that the rice held together when I picked it up in my clumsy hands but separated in my mouth to mingle with the taste of fish and wasabi.
My usual parking spot was taken by a hideously large truck, and I was forced to park farther than I cared to dash from the car to the apartment awning. My jacket was soaked through and my hair matted into a dark mess, but I propelled myself towards the apartment, slightly dizzy with hunger. I jingled my keys excitedly as I opened the door, prepared to be immersed into warmth and the delicious smell of duck.
The whole apartment was full of the smell of burnt duck, and a haze of smoke stung my eyes. Elise looked up from the disaster she held in her mittened hands, full of tears and ready to cry again. I hugged her and led her to the dinner table, tipped the duck into the trash bag where it landed with a muted thump, and cracked open the window. I brought out white china and opened a bottle of pinot noir.
She laughed when I brought out our dinner: a platter of Oreo cookies. They’re perfect circles, the cool creamy center sandwiched by dry dark crumbs, and the perfect food for listening to the patter of rain at the window and toasting our good fortune in finding each other.
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