Overwriting

After yesterday's excitement into the wee morning hours revisiting my previous prose, today Chocolatelova told me she liked the original better ; ;

"Van's thought process was more unrefined, passionate, and more confused, and it drove the story really well. In your rewrite, he comes across as a little too polished and thought-through...which takes away some of the original oomf and the rapid pace of the story."

When I told this to Trephine, he said that's the reason why some writers still use typewriters--because it should either be really good the first time, or you toss the paper and try again.

So much for overwriting, I guess.

But I do like the prose of the edited story better. There must be a middle ground!


-> I took away several sentences that seemed too idealistic.
Still need: introduction of Van without being facetious.