Editor

Chocolatelova and I have been emailing each other our drafts at various stages for edits and comments. Beside the standard things like filtering for confusing sentences that may be misconstrued, pointing out mistakes from late nights, and discussing scenes and characterizations, Chocolatelova usually finds some awkward spots within my storytelling--and what I find most interesting--they are spots that I chose to gloss over, but once identified, they develop into something that can carry more weight and become poignant characterization spots.

As an (long ; ;) example, here's a scene snippet with her comments:

Van had been in another long council meeting, trying to hide his frustration. Kuon’s captain of intelligence just reported on recent developments in Basram, and tensions were high among the staff, each feeling uneasy at possibilities that may now come to fruition. The news revealed an oversight with emissionaries [emissaries?] on both public and private fronts. [What was the oversight and why was it bad? You might need to answer this question so the reader can understand the tense atmosphere in the room.] While his senior vassals weighed the next course of action in their tight circle, the juniors staff’s discussion on protocol changes soon escalated into whispers and accusations about derelict duties.

Instead of interfering, he decided to stand in front of the window. [But isn’t he the king? Would he leave his men to fight it out (figuratively speaking)? I’m not sure he would walk away from it.] The view over Fanelia always kept him focused on his responsibilities, perhaps because Fanelia’s borders has changed little since the time of his father, his grandfather, or even King Zoah.

And here's the revised version:

Van had been in another long council meeting, trying to hide his frustration. Kuon’s captain of intelligence just reported on recent developments in Basram, and tensions were high among the staff, each feeling uneasy at possibilities that may now come to fruition. The news revealed an oversight with emissaries on both public and private fronts. Although Fanelia so far had been neutral in its position to Basram and Cesario’s disputes, the benign survey may be misconstrued by either country. While his chief vassals weighed the next course of action in their tight circle, the junior staff’s discussion on protocol changes soon escalated into whispers about derelict duties.

His first thought was to call them to order. Accusations and bickering weren’t acceptable practices on his staff. More importantly, he needed them to concentrate on the tasks at hand. Van didn’t want to deal with personnel issues in addition to this potentially insidious juncture.

But then, with some embarrassment, he remembered a certain hotheaded boy years ago. He decided to stand in front of the window instead, to wait and listen some more.

Isn't it so much better aftewards?